Hidden in the darkness

   Victims of sexual abuse? They are everywhere. How can this be? Why does this disgusting crime continue to escalate in our society and why doesn't God do something about it?
    God's plan is for every child to be guarded and protected. His plan to protect children from sexual abuse is the same plan He uses to stop kids drowning in swimming pools, or burning their hand on the stove.
   Yes! It is parents. God's plan is that every child be guarded by a family, and that unit is responsible for the safety, protection and training of each little person that is born.
   But our children aren't born into a perfect world. Parents fail! And kids suffer, often times  at the hands of their own parents. Other times they are left defenceless at the hands of others because, in the darkness, mums and dads don't see the danger.
   Darkness! A lack of light! Although this disgusting crime usually takes place under the cover of night, the real camouflage is self-gratification, denial, lies, greed, selfishness. Lets name it for it really is. Evil. Sin.
   The same motivators which drive the perpetrator, also hide the evidence from the child's protectors. Denial and ignorance prevent the recognition of signs of abuse. Selfishness and the desire to 'not upset the apple cart' can cause the carer to turn a blind eye. Exposing the sin and bringing it to the light has catastrophic effects. Relationships are lost, loved  ones go into the hands of the police. Their security, both, financial and relational are under threat. Sub-consciously a decision is made to pretend it isn't happening and then a child is sentenced to a life of torment. 
   This decision is often justified by the carers own childhood experiences. 'Well, I survived, so he/she will just have to suck it up and live with it for the sake of the rest of the family'.
The sin, by its very nature, is hidden. It is shrouded by silence. Although, in his own mind,he has justified his actions as being harmless, the perpetrator never speaks of it and he silences his victim. 'This is our special secret! If you ever speak of this it will kill Mrs P'... or 'I will kill you.'
   So where is God in this mess?
   His heart is so broken, He sent Jesus. Yes, Jesus carried the pain of the victim on the cross. Bloodied, broken, exposed, he hung in public view. We know the soldiers mocked Him and made fun of Him. I'm sure, in that sin-filled, dark, evil environment, He would have been sexually abused amongst everything else He suffered.
   God made man with a free will. He will never violate that. So, unable to stop abuse, pain and sin, He instead gave His Son so we can be healed. Whilst hanging on the cross, He illustrated the way to wholeness. 'Father, forgive them. They don't know what they are doing?'
   He showed us that it is possible to forgive the unforgivable.
   He also is ready to forgive, heal and restore parents who have been negligent. And He is waiting to forgive the perpetrator, remove the veil from his eyes and restore his seared conscience.
   I hate sexual abuse! It is a vile, disgusting, painful blot on our society, but God is bigger. He can restore, heal, renew and make whole. In the meantime, His body, the church is called to wrap His arms around every hurting victim and pour the balm of His unconditional love over every hurting soul.

Good intentions aren't good enough

She looked shocked. 'But, I did it out of the best intentions!'
'Best intentions!' I wasn't happy. 'What exactly was the good intention? How can you say your intentions are good, when you have betrayed my confidence?'
'I am so concerned for you, I felt you needed more prayer, so I rang a few people and asked them to pray.'
'How many people?'
'Well...I don't know...I didn't count...'
'Good intentions are not good enough! That does not excuse your behaviour.'


It is many years since I was part of this sad conversation. I recovered and life continued but I leant something that day. We must be accountable for our actions, without hiding behind the excuse that we meant well. I often remind myself that good intentions are not enough. Good behaviour, coming from sound decisions, is essential.


My husband is a business coach. He helps business owners to grow healthy businesses. One of the first things he requires is they live 'Above the Line' where everyone takes Accountability, Ownership and Responsibility for all their decision. There is no place for Blame-shifting, Excuses, Denial. 

Accountability

Ownership

Responsibility

------------------------

Blame-shifting

Excuses

Denial

In other words you can choose to live as a Victor or a Victim. Victorious people live above the line. Because they know they'll be accountable for their decisions, they consider them carefully. If the decision is wrong they will take responsibly and fix the mess, make amends, or pay damages. They will say, 'I should have better trained my team member,' rather than blame the team member. 

In a victorious life there is no place for blaming our spouse, our parents, the dog or our sad childhood experiences. 

Victor don't use the kids as an excuse for being late.

Victim: 'I never received an email!' Victor: 'Sorry. I must have overlooked that email.' 

Victim: 'It wasn't my fault. Someone changed the settings.' Victor: 'I didn't check the settings.' 

Victim: 'I'm not yelling!' Victor: 'I over reacted. My apologies. Can we try again?' 

 If you look at the first letter of the words above you'll see that victims, those that don't take ownership, end up in BED, the doona over their head as they feel sorry for themselves. But as you begin to take accountability you find an OAR in your hand, a tool that can be used to move yourself forward. It took me a couple of years of practice to make 'Above the Line' a permanent way of life. The chart remains as a constant reminder on the wall of our house. It brings a productive and harmonious home where we live beyond good intentions.

What about you? Do you practice taking responsibility or do think good intentions are good enough?

It's not his fault. He was angry

‘You are coming to Dad’s this weekend, aren’t you?’

His sister shakes her head.  ‘I’ll come when he apologises.’

‘C’mon!’ He raises his voice in frustration. ‘Get over it, for goodness sake!’

‘Did you hear what he said to me? All the abuse, the swearing, the slurs and insults?’

‘Yea, I heard. But it’s not his fault. He was angry. Just forget it.’

Pardon? It’s not his fault! Since when is bad behaviour excused on the grounds of emotions being out of control? Who owns those emotions? Do our emotions serve us or do we obey our emotions.

Today one can be sued if the thief hurts himself while breaking into your house. We expect insurance companies or someone to cover our loss if we break something, lose it, or drop it the ocean. What happened to personal accountability?

Sometimes it seems most of our society believes–

• ·         Verbal anger is all right if one is angry or drunk
• ·         Belting your spouse is the victim’s fault because they caused the anger
• ·         Hitting a cyclist in your car should be excused cause you didn’t realise you were over the blood alcohol limit
• ·         Aborting a baby is okay because the mother has a life to lead. (As if the baby doesn’t)
• ·         Telling lies is acceptable, even in parliament, if you’re sure you won’t be caught.

Then we perpetuate the problem by over protecting our kids so they can’t get hurt. As a result, they never learn how to look after themselves. They don’t get an opportunity to practice personal responsibility.

The other basic drive of this generation is ‘if it feels good, do it!’ So our youth are addicted to drugs and trapped by alcohol and nicotine. Immorality is the accepted norm.

What will be the final outcome? Somewhere our society will experience the harvest of this folly.

 Go with me to 2020. Let’s peek into the life of Authur Average. Arthur is a good bloke. He finished school and has a steady job. He’s lived with a couple of girls but now he’s moved on and it sharing a unit with a couple of guys and girls. He’s stable. Recently he had a crash on his motorised skateboard on the way to work. He spent a day in hospital. They took blood tests as a precaution.

Arthur didn’t give it a thought at the time. Now he stands looking at the letter. His hand shakes. His eyes skim to the name on the top of the letter. Yes it’s him. The DNA police have caught him.

          Dear Mr Average

          Your recent blood test identified your DNA. Our computer cross                           references identify your children as listed below. It is your responsibility to financial support your children until they are sixteen years of age.

Oh, no! Arthur is being held accountable! The things done in secret are bought into the light. He is being forced to face the consequences of his behaviour.

I know another young man that won’t accept responsibility for his own bills. His says the world is going to end anyway, so why pay them now?

How can we change the trend? The same way we eat an elephant – one mouthful at a time. Start with you and your household. Take responsibility for all your behaviour. Don't blame shift. Don't use excuses. No more denial. Once you take ownership of all your actions and accept responsibility for the outcomes, your life will be transformed. Its called freedom! You will be in control of your life!